As Selma and Patsy moved away from Joe's tower, the world seemed to recover a little. Sounds returned, and the aura of death and silence was broken. Everything was still brown, and a lot of it was rotting, but it was an improvement. However, there were still no buildings, no structures, and no people.

"We need to find civilization," said Selma. "If there is any left."

"Aye," said Patsy, "For where there be civilization, there be people, and where there be people, there be thirst, and where there be thirst, there be . . . a bar."

"Right. Or, where there is civilization there are people, and where there are people there may be someone who knows where the others are."

"Oh, yeah, sure. That too. But how d'ye know that someone will have information about the rest of the Card Club?"

"Well, we usually make a pretty big scene wherever we go, so I'm sure someone will have heard of one of us."

At that point, the path curved, and Selma and Patsy suddenly found themselves in front of what used to be a large city. What it was now, mostly, was a pile of rubble, some of which resembled buildings. A few people in torn clothing wandered around aimlessly.

"This place must have been hit in the catastrophe," said Patsy.

"I don't think so," said Selma. "It's too far from the tower to have been hit by the main blast, and it's not along the path of any of the eight beams of destruction. I think something else must have happened here. Maybe Joe did it."

"Let's ask that man up there," suggested Patsy.

They approached the nearest hapless soul. He was sitting on a rock that was probably once part of his house with his head in his hands. As they walked toward him, he looked up. His eyes were blank, as if they had already seen the most horrible thing imaginable, and could now see no more.

"Hello," said Selma. "Um, could you tell us what happened here?"

The man turned his head toward Patsy. He sniffed. "You . . . have beer?" he asked

Patsy didn't move. Selma jabbed him with her elbow. "Give him a beer," she said, out of the side of her mouth.

Patsy was shocked at the idea. "But, but, I can't give away beer!"

"You have plenty. If you give him a drink, maybe he'll tell us what happened. If you don't, maybe I'll just take one from you, crack you over the head with it, and leave you here to starve with these poor idiots!"

Patsy sighed. He drew out a small bottle and held it in front of his face. He spent a moment looking at it longingly, with a tear in his eye. Then, when Selma jabbed him again, he handed it over. The man's eyes brightened. He quickly opened the bottle and started to drink greedily. Patsy glared at him like a jealous lover.

"So, mister," said Selma, when the man paused to breathe again, "What did happen to your town? It wasn't destroyed in the disaster, am I right?"

"Oh, you're right," said the man. His eyes returned to their state of permanent horror. "We thought we were lucky, surviving the first blast, but what we got in the end was worse."

"Worse than something that almost destroyed the world?"

The man looked up at her, and shivered a little. "Oh yes. Much worse."

"So, what was it?"

The man stood up and looked around. It seemed that seeing some of the destruction helped him remember how it had happened. "It was a few months after the disaster. We were all feeling pretty good here, especially since most of the other towns nearby were wiped out. We weren't gloating, or anything, but when you live through the apocalypse, you tend to feel a bit giddy. Anyway, one day, someone . . ." He paused, and shivered again before continuing his tale. " . . . or something came up to the main gate which once stood about where you are now. It asked to come in. Now, we're normally as hospitable as the next city, but after the disaster we had already taken on quite a few refugees from other towns, and we really couldn't handle anyone else coming in. We told this to the . . . person (another shudder) and it said it didn't want to stay, it was just looking for something. I guess at this point we could have let it in, and we probably should have, but we didn't. We just told it to get lost."

"And then it became enraged and destroyed your city, right?"

The man shut his eyes and looked down. "Everything. Every building razed to the ground. I think it really was searching for something, because it was so systematic. No stone left unturned, or in this case, left intact. And then, when there was nothing left but rubble, it said 'Nope. Not here.' It left without another word, going out the other side of town, having just destroyed all of our lives. It truly was the Wrath of God."

"D'ye remember anything about this person, what it looked like, whether it was a man or a woman?" asked Patsy

"No, only that it did not have the appearance of a monster, which made it much more horrifying when it did . . . what it did. The only trace it left behind was a single playing card, the four of clubs, I think."

"A playing card, you say?" asked Selma. "That's very interesting. Come on, Patsy." She grabbed Patsy by the arm and started to lead him out to the other end of town. When they were a few meters from the man, she said, "Did you hear that? It dropped a card! It must be someone from Card Club!"

"That doesn't really mean anything," said Patsy. "I mean, we never played cards. The only connection was the fact that Ben's sword-fighting style was based on a card game. Who suggested the name Card Club, anyway?"

"It must have been Ben. That was before we knew about his Capitalism style, so why would anyone else have suggested it?"

"Actually," said Patsy, rubbing his chin thoughtfully, "I think it was Joanie."

"Joanie? She had just joined the group about a minute before we came up with a name, right? She didn't even know any of us! How could she possibly have known about the whole Capitalism style thing? And for that matter, why did she want to join a group of random strangers in the first place?"

They walked through the dead town in silence for a few moments, pondering these mysteries. "I still think one of us was here," said Selma after a little while. "He said it was searching for something, right? It has to be one of the members of Card Club looking for the rest!"

"Ye really believe one of us did . . . this?" said Patsy, looking around at the devastation.

"This is a much harsher world now, Patsy. Everything was changed by that explosion. Nothing now is the same as it once was. I mean, back when we were on the boat, there were plenty of times when I was this close to killing you." She slapped him on the back and laughed.

Patsy gulped. "R-really? You were going to k-kill me?"

Selma ignored him. "Now, let's see . . . who do you think it is? Obviously it can't be Joanie, she'd never be capable of this. Destruction on this large a scale, it's got to be either Tiffany or Ashley. Or maybe Ben, I guess, but this doesn't really seem like his style. Come on, let's go to the next town and see if they have any more information!"

Selma and Patsy continued along the road. They passed through several destroyed towns, most of which were deserted. A couple of them, however, still contained survivors, all of whom told tales involving a stranger arriving, being denied entrance, and leveling the town. Every time, the person said, "Nope. Not here." at the end, and left behind a playing card.

After a week or so had passed since the first, Selma and Patsy arrived at yet another destroyed city. While all the others had been silent, however, this one was loud. Sounds of violence and destruction, mingled with people's screams, came from somewhere further inside the city. On closer inspection, the city appeared to be only half destroyed, or rather, in the process of being destroyed.

"This is it!" cried Selma. "We've caught up!" She started to run into the city.

"Ye're really going to run into that?" asked Patsy

"Yes, of course I am!" she said, stopping for a second. She turned around, and started to drag Patsy in with her. "One of the other members of Card Club is in there! We have to go."

"And, if it minds that we interrupt the destruction . . .?"

"But it's going to be one of our friends! It won't hurt us!" Selma herself seemed a little uncertain about this, however, and she drew her kodachi as she ran. Patsy took out his beating stick and gulped.

At this point, the noise suddenly stopped. The screaming and wailing continued, but the sounds of destruction and buildings falling over were gone. The cloud of debris that had been hovering around the middle of the city slowly dissipated. Selma wasn't sure, but she could've sworn she heard a familiar voice say, "Found it. Finally."

Selma and Patsy arrived at the point where the destruction ended a few seconds later. There was a ring of demolished buildings, surrounding one that had not been touched. Selma and Patsy stared at the saved building for a long time.

"It . . . it can't be!" cried Selma

"I . . . don't believe it!" said Patsy

The lone building was a Jamba Juice.

As they stood there, mouths open, they heard the sound of a cash register closing inside the store, and someone said, "Thank you!" politely. The front door opened, and out walked Joanie, happily clutching a cup. She was about to take a sip, when she saw Selma and Patsy standing there. She ran over to them.

"Hi guys!" she said. "I never thought I'd find you here!"

Selma and Patsy unfroze. From there, the conversation took the only course their minds would allow. "Hi Joanie," said Selma. "You didn't see who came through here destroying the city, did you?"

"Huh?" she asked. "Oh, um, no, I didn't. I was just in there, buying my Jamba Juice."

"See? I told ye it wasn't someone in Card Club doing it," said Patsy. "Oh well. At least we found Joanie by accident."

"Right. Accident," said Joanie, rolling her eyes. She took a sip from her straw, and discovered that the cup was empty. She lowered her head. It looked almost like she was trying to shield her eyes from Selma and Patsy. She started to twitch, ever so slightly. "Could you guys go on ahead?" she said. "I've got one last thing to take care of here, and then I'll catch up."

"Okay," said Selma uncertainly. She started to walk out of the city with Patsy. "Are you sure you'll be okay?" she asked when she was a few meters away.

Joanie lifted her head. Her blood-red eyes stared directly at the Jamba Juice. "I'll be just fine," she said to herself.

A few minutes later, Selma and Patsy were walking down the road away from the city. "Aren't you excited, Patsy?" asked Selma. "We've got half the Card Club together again! Isn't it . . ."

Selma was interrupted by a thunderous roar. The earth quaked, knocking her and Patsy down to the ground. They quickly picked themselves up and turned to face the city. It was no longer there. In its place was a huge, mushroom-shaped blast of sky blue energy, at least two hundred feet high.

"Holy polt!" cried Selma

"Oh please," said Patsy. "It seems not a day goes by now on this planet where something doesn't explode."

"You heartless bastard!" cried Selma. She grabbed Patsy by the neck and began to strangle him. "Joanie was still in there!"

"Then . . ." gasped Patsy, "Might it not . . . be more productive . . . to go in . . . and save her . . . than throttle me?"

Selma hurriedly dropped Patsy and ran back toward the city. "Joanie!" she yelled

"What is it?" asked Joanie, who was suddenly standing right next to her. "Why are you shouting? I'm right here."

Selma and Patsy both stared at Joanie. They blinked. They said nothing.

Joanie waited a few seconds for an answer, then kept going when she didn't get one. "Let's keep going. We have to find the rest of the Card Club, right?" She walked off down the road, past Selma and Patsy.

"So, what have you been doing since the disaster, Joanie?" asked Selma

"Well, I woke up near that huge black tower," answered Joanie. "It didn't look too friendly, so I decided to get away from there. Ever since then I've just been going from town to town, looking for Jamba Juice." Joanie's eyes turned slightly red as she thought of the last town's treachery.

"Ye mean us, right?" asked Patsy. "Ye were looking for us, weren't you?"

Joanie shook her head, clearing her eyes. "Um, yeah, of course I was. What have you guys been doing?"

Selma and Patsy looked at each other. For both of them, the months since the disaster were something they would rather forget. "Oh," said Selma, "We've basically been doing the same as you. You know, looking for the rest of the Card Club. Watch your step, Patsy."

Patsy stopped walking forward, an instant before he would have fallen to his certain death. He looked down, and saw a cliff at least a hundred feet deep. He looked forward, and saw that it was about a quarter mile across.

"Whoops. That was close," he said.

Selma looked to her left, and saw Joe's tower far in the distance. "This must be one of the ravines carved by the beams of destruction," she said. "How are we going to get across?" She pulled out her ninja pack. The grappling hook wasn't long enough, and most of her other equipment was destructive in nature. "I guess we have to climb down."

"Hey, who are they?" asked Joanie. She pointed down into the ravine, and Selma and Patsy turned their heads to follow her gaze.

Down in the ravine there were people riding on horseback. They were moving at a slow, steady pace. There were about fifty of them, and they were all wearing black hooded cloaks. On the back was an insignia.

"It looks like . . ." said Selma, who was the only one who could see well enough to read it, "It looks like a squirrel."

"That's weird," said Joanie. "They look like warriors. Why would they have a squirrel on their backs?"

"I dunno, the squirrel looks pretty angry . . ."

As she spoke, there was a flash in the canyon, and suddenly someone was standing about a half mile in front of the advancing mounted force.

"That looks like . . . it's Joe!" said Selma

Joe spoke, and his voice was magnified so that even the three up on top of the cliff could hear him. "You again?" he said, laughing. "You fools never learn." He held his hand out, and a blast of french toast stick energy shot out, striking the ground just in front of the group. Dirt and rock flew thirty feet into the air. "Go back where you came from."

The force stood silently for a second. Then, the rider in front held up a long staff and pointed it at Joe. A voice yelled, "Charge!" and the force streamed forward. Other weapons were drawn, swords, spears, bows, etc. The leader's staff glittered blue, and it looked like it was crackling with electricity.

"Oh well," said Joe. "They all have to die eventually. These ones just want to do it sooner rather than later." He shrugged, and five hundred skeletal warriors appeared between him and the charging horses. He strode away from the fight, and the skeletons charged toward it.

"Coward!" cried the same voice the had yelled charge. "Why won't you fight us yourself?" A blast of lightning erupted from the leader's staff. It crashed into the skeleton force, shattering at least two dozen of them. Then, the two forces collided.

"Come on!" yelled Selma, high above the battle. "We have to help them!" She attached a rope to the ground and leapt over the side of the cliff.

"Why?" asked Patsy. "Why must ye always be running into things?" Then he added under his breath, "And why must I always be dumb enough to follow ye?" He grabbed the rope and started to go down. He turned to Joanie. "Ye'd better wait here, Joanie," he said. "It could get pretty dangerous down there."

"Okay, if you say so."

Patsy slid down the rope. He realized too late that it ended about twenty feet short of the ground, and fell embarrassingly the rest of the way. He could hear the sounds of battle much closer now. Selma was already down on the ground, and when he landed she ran up to him.

"I need a bottle of whiskey," she said.

"What? Now isn't the time for a drink, Selma." He stopped to think. "Well, it's always time for a drink, but . . ."

"I'm not going to drink it, you bloody fool!"

Patsy's eyes widened. "Not going to . . . drink . . ."

Selma sighed, and grabbed a bottle neck that was sticking out of Patsy's belt, holding it high as he tried to grab it back. She reached down into her pack and grabbed a grenade and some duct tape. She duct taped the grenade to the bottle, pulled the pin, and hurled it into the fray. Then she started running forward. "Come on, Patsy! Move!"

Selma stopped moving forward. She looked back, and saw Patsy was gripping her shirt, trying to pull her back. "What the bloody hell are you doing?" she yelled

"Trust me," he said. "Ye don't want to be running that way."

"I think I know bloody well where I want to be running! Let go of me!"

"Well, then ye don't know what ye grabbed from me."

Selma stopped struggling. "It was just a whiskey bottle, right?"

"No. That was a bottle of Ultra-Concentrated O'Shananahan's Pure Irish Brew. And it was quite a large bottle, too."

"But it's just alcohol, right? How bad could it be? I mean, I didn't notice anything when it fell."

"It hasn't fallen yet."

"Wow. The planet's gravity really must be screwed up, then."

"Yeah. Don't worry, ye'll know when it . . ."

A huge blast rocked the canyon. Selma and Patsy were knocked to the ground, and they blacked out. When they came to, Joanie was standing over them.

"I figured it was safe to come down now," she said. "It looks like you guys ended it pretty quick."

"Shut up," said Selma.

The three moved off in the direction of the blast. They expected to find no survivors, but when they arrived a large number of the warriors were still standing. There were, however, at least a dozen lying on the ground, either wounded or dead. Selma, Patsy and Joanie approached two warriors who were seated, eating.

"Excuse me," said Selma.

One of the warriors leapt up and reached for his sword, but the other put his hand on his shoulder. "They're not here to fight, you fool," he said.

"How do you know?" asked the standing one. He was the younger of the two, easily excitable. He looked like he hadn't seen battle before the disaster. "It could be a servant of the Enemy in disguise!"

"Servants of the enemy don't usually say, 'Excuse me.'" The seated man was older, and seemed like a career soldier.

"Oh. Right." The young one sat back down.

"So, who are ye?" asked Patsy

"We are the honorable knights of the Black Squirrels!" said the young one, eagerly.

"The Black Squirrels?" asked Joanie. "That's a stupid name."

"How dare you insult the Black Squirrels!" The young one moved forward to strike Joanie, but something in her eyes told him this might be a bad idea.

"It is a stupid name," agreed the older one. The young one looked at him in shock. "Don't look at me like that." The old one smacked him. "I didn't pick it. The Commander did. Anyway, the name doesn't matter."

"So who are the Black Squirrels?" asked Selma

The old one clamped a hand over the young one's mouth before he had a chance to answer. "We're the last ones on this godforsaken planet with the guts to stand up to that bastard, Joe. We're the only ones even trying to fight him and his evil. As you may have guessed, we're not winning."

"Well, we're standing up to Joe, too," said Selma.

"Oh yeah?" asked the old soldier. "And who are you?"

"We're the Card Club."

The old one laughed. "No offense, but a ninja, a drunkard and a little girl are no match for the lord of all evil."

"This isn't all of us," said Joanie. "We're searching for the rest of our group."

The young one, who hadn't said anything in a while, jumped in with, "Your group sucks! The Black Squirrels are the best!"

The old soldier sighed and swung his fist around into the young one's face, knocking him off of his seat. "Kids. No idea what they're talking about." He turned back to the group. "Well, if you say your group is fighting Joe, then there's a chance they might be here with us. You three should talk to Commander Billy."

"Ye call your commander 'Billy?'" asked Patsy. "What, is he a seven-year-old boy? I'd think Commander William would be more appropriate."

"The commander is a woman," said the old one.

"A woman named Billy?" asked Patsy. "That makes even less sense!"

The soldier sighed. "Billy is her last name."

"Last name? But . . ."

"Shut up, Patsy," said Selma. She moved to kick his shins, but he darted away. "We'll go see your commander."

The soldier stood up and led the three through the group of cloaked warriors. Eventually, they got to a tent, with two soldiers standing on either side. The old one went inside, then came back out again. A voice said, "Enter." The two guards stepped back. Selma, Patsy and Joanie walked in.

"Hey guys!" said Ashley

They all blinked. Standing in front of them was Ashley, wearing her traditional black robe and carrying her staff. She did not look nearly as surprised as they did.

"But," started Selma, "How did you know we were coming?"

"I'm a wizard, remember? I knew where you guys were."

"If ye knew where we were," asked Patsy, "Why didn't ye come looking for us?"

"I was busy with this whole resistance thing."

"You didn't have to keep doing that, you know," said Joanie.

"Well no one else was doing it!"

A soldier stuck his head inside the tent. "What are your orders, Commander?"

"Start moving the wounded back to base, and break camp here," Ashley replied.

After the soldier left, Selma asked, "So, Ashley, are you going to rejoin Card Club? Or are the Black Squirrels too important to you?"

Ashley thought for a second. Then, she stuck her head outside of the tent and yelled, "New orders! The Black Squirrels are officially disbanded! Go home! Get real jobs!" She darted back inside the tent and hurriedly gathered her things.

"Why are ye rushing?" asked Patsy

"Because I have to prepare a quick teleport spell," she answered.

"Why?" asked Selma

"Because I get the feeling some of those guys are going to be a little irritated after that."

Suddenly, they heard loud shouting and sword unsheathing noises outside. Several arrows, a spear, and a keg crashed through the entry of the tent.

"Okay, make that a lot irritated."

Ashley held up her staff and said, "Teleport!" There was a bright blue flash, and then they were gone.

Selma, Patsy, Joanie and Ashley walked through the ravine in the direction heading away from Joe's tower. Black clouds darkened the sky.

"So, if you could sense where all of us were," asked Selma, "You know where Tiffany and Ben are, right?"

"Sort of," replied Ashley. "Ben is in a town where this ravine meets the ocean. For some reason he hasn't moved from there in months. And with Tiffany . . ."

"What?"

"I was able to track Tiffany up until recently. She was moving toward where I was, actually. But then, a few days ago, I lost her."

"Ye lost her?" asked Patsy. "How could ye lose her?"

"I don't know!" said Ashley. "It's almost like some other mind is blocking mine. I can't tell what it is, but it must be very powerful."

"So?" asked Joanie. "What's the big deal? I mean, why do we need to worry about finding Tiffany if she's right there in front of us?"

Joanie pointed ahead of them. The others turned their gaze to where she pointed, and saw Tiffany standing a few yards away. She had arrived silently, which unnerved Selma. In her experience, Tiffany had never been the stealthy type. Lightning flashed, illuminating her face. It was expressionless.

"Hey, Tiffany, how's it going?" asked Pat, oblivious to any change in Tiffany. He waited a few moments for an answer, but received none. "Don't feel like talking today, eh Tiff? That's okay." He started to approach her. "I'm just going to keep walking towards you like there's nothing out of the ord . . ."

WHAM

Patsy was cut off in mid-sentence by Tiffany's fist. He flew backward and hit the ravine wall with a loud crash. Patsy slumped to the ground, unconscious. The lightning illuminated Tiffany's face again, and now she was grinning.

"What's wrong with you?" asked Joanie

"You're not Tiffany!" yelled Ashley

"Oh, I am Tiffany," she said. Her voice had an eerie, almost demonic quality to it. The grin spread wider across her face. "I'm just no longer a part of your Card Club. Joe is my new master."

"What do you mean new master?" asked Selma. "Did you even have a master before?"

Tiffany's grin faded slightly. "Fine. He's just my master then. And he only had one order to give me: kill Card Club."

Silence reigned in the ravine for a few seconds. Then, Patsy managed to revive himself. "She's . . . a bit . . . grumpy today," he said. He shook himself, then approached Tiffany again, more slowly this time. "Don't you recognize me, Tiffany? It's me, Patsy!"

Tiffany blinked. Her grin faded. "Patsy? I . . . I know you!"

Patsy continued advancing, until he was right next to Tiffany. "See? You don't really want to hurt us, do you?" Tiffany still looked a little dazed. Patsy extended his hand, and she took it, hesitating. "There you go. Nice and ea . . ."

Tiffany suddenly gripped his arm hard, then swung him around over her head and let go, sending him flying again. Ashley narrowly avoided being hit by him as he sailed past. He hit the rock wall again, and there was a sickening SNAP.

"Poor gullible Patsy," said Tiffany.

"You . . . you . . . how could you!" yelled Ashley, suddenly angry. "Fireball!"

A fireball shot toward Tiffany. Right before it hit her, she swung her fist forward, striking the fireball. It bounced back toward Ashley, who narrowly dodged again.

"Ha ha ha!" laughed Tiffany. "You see? Joe has taught me a few new things that I never could have learned with you. Looks like I've taken care of Patsy pretty well. You're next, Ashley!"

Tiffany charged forward. Ashley looked to her left and right for support, but Selma had vanished. Ashley dove to the side just before Tiffany struck, and shot a lightning bolt at her. It caught Tiffany on the shoulder, slowing her slightly, but she quickly turned and charged again. Ashley dove again, cutting it even closer. This time, she had no chance to attack before Tiffany turned on her and she was forced to dodge again.

"You can't run from me forever!" yelled Tiffany. "In this small space, I have all the advantage!"

Ashley stopped running. She faced Tiffany and took a deep breath. Then, she placed her staff on the ground behind her, bracing herself against impact.

"Finally stooped running? Good. You've accepted the inevitable. Now, you die!"

Tiffany raced at Ashley again, her right arm raised over her head. Ashley waited for her to come. Then, when she was right in front of her, she thrust her staff forward. "Dark flare!" Ashley cried

A huge blast of dark purple light filled the ravine, making vision impossible for a few seconds. When she could finally see again, Ashley looked in front of her. Tiffany still stood there, grinning evilly. Her right hand glowed with the same dark energy that had just come from her staff.

"Good," said Tiffany, "But not good enough." While Ashley watched in horror, she held her hand out in front of her, and then a shockwave of dark energy blasted from it. Ashley flew back against the wall, not far from where Patsy landed.

"Two down, two to go," said Tiffany. "Now, where is our ninja? Hiding in the shadows won't save you, Selma! You're going exactly where your friends went before you!"

Lightning flashed, and Tiffany saw Selma crouched against the side of the ravine. She jumped up to attack her, but she hit only rock. Shards of the canyon wall exploded out, but Selma was gone.

"You coward!" yelled Tiffany. "Come out and fight!"

"If you insist," said Selma.

Selma materialized directly behind Tiffany. She struck her on the left shoulder, causing her to spin, and then thrust out her right palm. It caught Tiffany right on the chin and sent her back a few steps.

"Your speed is impressive, but it's no match for my raw power!" Tiffany yelled

Selma leapt up and grabbed the wall again. She had hit Tiffany with all her strength, and it still only dazed her a little. She had thought that she could knock some sense into her with her fists, but it looked like it was too late for that. Regretfully, she drew her kodachi from its sheath.

"You should be more carefully when you draw your weapon!" yelled Tiffany. "I can see it flash in the darkness!"

Selma leapt off the wall only an instant before Tiffany struck where she had been crouching. She slashed her weapon behind her and heard a metallic CLINK. "What was that?" she thought, but she had to dash back before she could think about it. Rock exploded from where her feet had been seconds before.

"Tiffany!" yelled Selma. "Don't you remember anything? We're your friends!"

"Oh, I remember everything," replied Tiffany. "You're right. You were my friends. But that doesn't matter to me anymore. I heed only Joe."

Selma sighed. "Then I have no choice but to kill you. Selma Ninja Style Ultimate Attack: Shming Blade!"

Selma's other weapon appeared in her left hand. Then, she disappeared from view. Tiffany looked around for a few seconds, and then shielded her eyes as two bright explosions went off on either side of her. Before her eyes had completely cleared, a knife spun straight at her head. She barely blocked it, and there was the metallic CLINK again. An instant later, a second knife spun toward her from behind. She dodged it, barely, and it grazed her left shoulder.

"A good attack! But now you're out of weapons!" Tiffany laughed.

"Oh no I'm not!" cried Selma. She fell toward Tiffany at high speed, holding in her right hand the first kodachi she had thrown, which she had caught right after Tiffany had blocked it. Selma descended upon Tiffany from above, her knife aimed straight for her neck . . .

CLINK

Selma stared down at Tiffany. She was holding the knife with both hands, somehow managing to keep both Selma and her kodachi in the air. Lightning flashed, and Selma saw that Tiffany was wearing silver gauntlets.

Tiffany said nothing. She merely laughed, and then hurled Selma off to join Patsy and Ashley next to the wall. "Now, time to deal with the little one," she said.

Joanie, as she often did during battles, had been sitting off to the side, picking split ends out of her hair. When she saw Tiffany approaching, she stood up, but did nothing to get away.

"It seems you accept death much more easily than your comrades," said Tiffany. "How commendable."

Tiffany charged at Joanie, fist raised over her head as usual. Joanie shut her eyes, but the blow never fell. She opened them again, and saw Tiffany standing right next to her, arm still raised, ready to strike. Her eyes were shut tight, and her whole body was shaking.

"I . . . can't do it!" she said. This was her real voice, which she had not used since her arrival in the ravine. "I can't hurt Joanie!"

Tiffany spoke again, but this time her voice was Joe's. "You have to! I am your master. You must obey me. Kill Joanie!"

"But . . . she's so . . . small and helpless! I . . . can't do . . . it. I won't do it!"

Tiffany's body went rigid. "If you don't, I can just as easily kill you," said the voice of Joe.

"No . . . you . . . won't!"

There was a loud CRACK, and Tiffany slumped to the ground. Joanie walked over and shook her by the shoulder. "You okay, Tiff?" she asked

Tiffany got up. "Yeah. I'm fine now. Sorry about the whole 'trying to kill you guys' thing."

"That's okay."

Tiffany suddenly got a concerned look on her face. She looked over to where Patsy, Ashley and Selma lay. "I didn't . . . actually kill any of them, did I?"

"Oh no, I'm sure they're fine," said Joanie. She walked over to the wall. "Yeah, they're all fine, Tiff!" she yelled. Joanie shook Ashley and Selma by the shoulder. They got up, but were still pretty out of it. "You guys go over there and tell Tiffany you're fine, okay?" Ashley and Selma walked over to Tiffany.

Joanie knelt by Patsy. There was a lot of blood on the ground near him, and his neck was bent in a very unnatural way. He wasn't breathing, and he had no pulse. He was pretty clearly dead.

"Whoops," said Joanie. She placed her hand on Patsy's lifeless forehead and closed her eyes. Her hand glowed bright blue for a few seconds, then stopped. She took her hand off of his head and stood up. Patsy blinked and opened his eyes.

"Hey there, Joanie," he said. "What happened to me?"

Joanie told the truth. "Tiffany beat you up."

"Oh. Nothing new then."

The five members of Card Club stood outside of a bar in a town by the sea.

"Are you sure this is where Ben is?" asked Selma

"Yeah," said Tiffany. "Are you sure you're not tracking Patsy? Because we already know where he is."

"I'm right here!" yelled Patsy

"No, this is where Ben is," said Ashley. "I'm positive. He hasn't moved from this spot in months."

They opened the door. The bar was empty, except for the bartender and one man slumped face down at a table. His left hand clutched a half-full mug.

"Ben?" asked Patsy

"Fmuh?" answered the man. He lifted his head and blinked his well-soused eyes at the newcomers. "Whoozere?"

"It's us, you bloody drunken idiot!" cried Selma

"Oh, iss Hansel!" said Ben. He swayed slightly as he talked. "An' there's Ashiffany, an' Poanie!"

"What's wrong with you?" asked Joanie

"Yeah, Patsy's supposed to be the drunken one," said Ashley.

"Oh, please," said Ben. "I bet I'm just as Irizh as he is."

Selma started to say something, but Patsy kicking her reminded her of her promise. Instead she said, "Time to go, Ben. Let's get you out of this bar."

Ben slammed his mug down. It smashed and beer spilled all over the table. The bartender sighed, then he walked over to the table and started to clean up the mess. "I'm not going anywhere," said Ben. "You guys don' wan' me anyway. I'm no good. I can' even beat Joe."

"I think you're pretty good," said Joanie.

"No I'm not. I don' even have my sword anymore. I pawned it to buy beers. Tell 'em, Bill."

"He's lying," said the bartender. "He still has his sword. Why do you think I've got no customers? He scared them all away with his drunken swordplay."

"I've always hated you, you know that, Bill?"

"Ben," said Ashley. "Don't you want to come back to Japan with us?"

"Japan? You think we were in Japan? It was Minnesota the whole time! Tell 'em, Bill."

"He's right," said Bill. "You only thought you were in Japan. It was Minnesota the whole time."

"Thass right, Bill."

"So tell me, Bill," asked Selma. "Why do you let him stay here? Does he even pay for his drinks?"

"No," said Bill, "But he threatens to kill me every time I try to make him leave."

"Come on, Benshin," said Tiffany. "We need you."

Ben looked straight at her. The slur was gone from his voice. "That's not my name. My name is Ben."

"All right!" said Tiffany. "Card Club huddle!" They all gathered in a corner of the bar and started talking in hushed voices. "Okay guys," she said, "I have a plan to get Ben out of here."

"Oh good! Finally!"

"Bill, get out of the huddle! You're not part of Card Club!"

"Aww," said Bill, and he slunk back behind the bar.

"Follow my lead," said Tiffany, and the huddle broke up.

The five of them walked back to Ben's table. "Okay Ben," said Tiffany, "I can understand you not wanting to come with us. It must be hard losing to Joe all those times. That's okay. We don't really need you anyway."

Tiffany looked at Ben, expecting a response. He just sat there. She looked closer, and saw he had passed out. She turned to Selma, who just shrugged. Then she grabbed Ben by the throat with one of her gauntleted hands and held him in the air. "If you don't come with us, I'm going to pound you flat!"

"We can't do it like that, Tiffany," said Joanie. "He has to come with us willingly, or there's no point."

Tiffany looked crestfallen. "Are you sure?"

"Just put him down, Tiff," said Patsy.

Tiffany set Ben back down in his chair. He looked as though he hadn't even noticed being picked up. "Fine! Be that way! We'll just go fight Joe without you. And if we all get killed, let it be on your head for not helping us!"

"Whass on my head?" asked Ben

"Never mind," said Tiffany.

The five members of Card Club left the bar, shaking their heads. After they left, Ben turned to Bill. "Ya know, Bill, those guys used ta be my friends, but now . . ." He lost his train of thought for a moment. "Oh yeah! Now they don' need me anymore."

"I think you should have gone with them," said Bill.

"Wha?"

"I mean, a guy like you, you're lucky to have any friends at all."

"Now why d'ya gotta go an' say somethin' like that, Bill? I'm your best paying cussomer."

"You're my only customer. And you have never once paid me for a drink. Or for all of the furniture you've broken."

"Jus' ge' me anozzer drink."

Bill sighed and filled another glass. He set it on the table next to Ben. Just then, two people walked into the bar.

"You know," said one, "The way our lives have been going lately, just about the only thing we can do without risking our lives is have a beer."

"Yeah," said the other. "And after that, we'll find a line of work that doesn't involve fighting samurai loners or berserk drunken maniacs."

The two people moved toward the bar. As they passed Ben's table, one of them accidentally bumped his glass. It wobbled for a moment, then tipped over, spilling its contents all over the table.

"Oh, I'm sorry," said the one who had bumped the glass.

Ben stood up. "You spilled my beer," he said, suddenly sober.

"We'll buy you a new one," said the other.

Ben's hand went to his sword. "You spilled my beer."

"Oh god," said Bill. "Not again." He quickly ducked down behind the bar.

"Um, surely this is just a simple misunderstanding?" suggested the first person

"Oh no, I understand perfectly," said Ben. His eyes blazed. "You see, the thing is, you spilled my beer."

Ben's sword flashed out of its sheath. It glowed with bright blue flame.

"Run," said Bill's voice from behind the bar. "Run fast. Run now."

The two hapless bandits dashed out the door. A second later, the entire bar exploded in blue flame. The blue specter of a dragon flew up from the wreckage and disappeared. Voices could be heard amongst the smoldering ruins of the bar.

"My bar! You destroyed the whole bar!" This voice was on the verge of tears.

"Iss okay, Bill. At lease we still got each ozzer." This voice was heavily drunk once again.

Bill's eyes went wild. He tried to grab Ben's sword from his hands, but failed. Then, he knelt down on the ground and wept.

The five remaining members of Card Club stood next to Joe's tower. It rose hundreds of feet above their heads, to a sky that was filled with dark clouds. Directly in front of them was a huge door, at least twenty feet high. Above the door was a sign that said, "Joe's Big Black Tower of Doom." On the door was a large runic circle, divided into six sectors. Five of the sectors were now illuminated.

"This is stupid," said Selma. "We can't open the bloody seal without Ben, so us being here is completely pointless! Now we'll never be able to fight Joe."

"You know," said Ashley, "I bet Joe was just lazy and only bothered to seal the door. If we can just blast a hole somewhere else in the side of the tower, we can get inside."

"And how are we supposed to blast through that?" asked Patsy. "This wall must be at least ten feet of solid stone."

"Well we sure as polt aren't going to stand here doing nothing!" yelled Tiffany. She moved a few feet to the right of the door and started pounding the tower. Ashley went and joined her, blasting it with every spell she had. Patsy shrugged, then pulled out his beating stick and pounded the wall as well.

Selma stood back. "I'll just supervise," she said. She looked to her left, and saw Joanie walking around to the other side of the tower. "Where are you going, Joanie?" she asked

"Back door," said Joanie.

"Don't be ridiculous," said Selma. "This is a big black tower of doom. There's not going to be a back door."

"Okay, if you say so," said Joanie. She continued walking around the tower, and was soon out of sight.

Selma hated to give in to foolishness, but her curiosity got the best of her. She followed Joanie around the tower, and saw her pulling a normal-sized door open by the handle. "Why doesn't anything in this world make sense?" Selma said to herself. She toyed with the idea of letting the others continue to toil away needlessly, but then she called them over and they all took the back door.

"All right, now, be careful," Patsy said once they were inside. "Joe's bound to have all sorts of fiendish devices and guards in here."

"Oh, please," said Tiffany. "The way this tower's gone so far, there's probably no guards and an express elevator straight to the top."

One thousand six hundred fifty-three steps later, they arrived at the top. "Express elevator, huh Tiffany?" asked Selma

"Shut up," said Tiffany. "At least I was right about the guards."

"Yeah, Joe," said Ashley. "You defenses are terrible."

"What can I say?" said Joe. "I'm lazy. I thought about resurrecting all the PM's and having them in the tower, but I figured it would be really boring just to see you kill them all again. Plus then I would have to put up with them in the tower until you all showed up. I'd probably kill them myself."

The five of them had arrived in Joe's study. It was a small room, and was fairly cramped with six people, a table, bookshelves and innumerable books. "Why don't we move to somewhere a little more comfortable?" suggested Joe

"No!" cried Selma. "Not more walking!"

"Oh, that's okay. You won't have to move a muscle." Joe raised his arms, and the room expanded. Soon it was quite large, about the size of a high school gymnasium. Torches stood on the ground, illuminating the area where they stood but leaving the high ceiling shrouded in darkness. The setting was so eerie, Selma almost thought she saw something moving up in the rafters.

"Much more like it," said Joe. "Now, you die."

Joe thrust his right hand forward. Instantly, the five members of Card Club were pinned against the wall, unable to move. They soon noticed one important difference between this room and the one before it: while the study had had a door, this arena had none. There was no way out.

"Ye're just going to kill us?" asked Patsy. "I thought ye wanted to fight us, for entertainment!"

"Oh, I changed my mind," said Joe. "It was a passing fancy. Besides, you have failed to bring the one person who might have actually been a challenge to defeat. But don't worry. Just because I'm not fighting you doesn't mean I won't make your deaths as drawn-out and interesting as possible."

Joe rotated his hand slightly, and the Card Club cringed in pain. "Selma?" said Tiffany

"Yeah?"

"I think we're scwewed."

At that moment, there was a rumbling beneath their feet. Suddenly, a figure burst through the floor behind Joe. He was tall, and he wore a black hooded cloak that obscured his face. He wielded a huge metal scythe, which he swung across Joe's back. Joe cried out and lurched forward. The Card Club felt Joe's grip fail and they collapsed to the floor.

"Holy polt!" cried Ashley. "It's Death!"

"Impossible!" yelled Joe. "I control Death!" He felt around on his back, where the blade had struck. He put his fingers to his mouth, and tasted blood. "That's also impossible," he said to himself, much quieter.

"No, I'm not Death," said the stranger, taking off his hood. "I'm just Barth."

"Barth!" cried Patsy. "So, ye finally decided to take up our offer and become part of Card Club instead of being a mercenary?"

"No, I'm still a mercenary."

"Then why are you here?" asked Selma. "Did someone pay you to kill Joe?"

"No. Actually, someone paid me to protect you guys."

"What?" asked Joanie. "Who would pay you to protect us?" She thought for a second. "Was it Ben?"

"No, it wasn't. As I recall, Ben would never have enough money to afford me. The person who paid me, quite well, as it happens, to protect the Card Club was some guy named Karl."

The room was completely silent. Tiffany was the first one who was able to say what they all were thinking. "Oh my god. We owe our lives to . . . Karl."

They all shuddered. Tiffany thought for a second, then tried to pull Selma's kodachi from its sheath. "No, Tiffany, don't!" Selma said

"But I have to!" Tiffany answered. "I can't live with myself after this!"

Tiffany struggled for a few more seconds, then gave up and sat down, crying softly to herself. Patsy and Ashley still hadn't moved since Barth had last spoken.

"Ahem," said Joe. "I think it's time to start paying attention to me again." He turned to Barth. "That was very impressive. Sneaking up on me in my own tower. However, you no longer have the element of surprise. The advantage is mine."

Joe's Masamune flashed out of its sheath. Barth charged at Joe, swinging the scythe high and low. Joe slashed across Barth's path, splitting the steel handle of the scythe in two. Then he swung the sword up, hitting Barth on the chin with the back of the blade. Barth dropped the two halves of his weapon and staggered back. He coughed up a little blood and knelt on the ground. He raised his head to see the tip of Joe's sword directly between his eyes.

"That was quite honorable of you, trying to save your friends." Joe held the sword perfectly steady. An evil grin appeared on his face. "But now, who's going to save you?"

Barth shut his eyes. There was silence for a seemingly long time. When nothing happened, he opened his eyes again. Joe was still standing there, holding the sword in front of him, but now the grin on his face was replaced with a look of impatience.

"I said, 'But now, who's going to save you?'"

Whatever response Joe was expecting, it didn't come.

"Goddamn it, Ben! That's your cue!"

"Huh?" said a voice high in the rafters. "Oh, sorry. Is it time for my part yet? I fell asleep."

"How could you fall asleep hanging from the rafters?" asked Joe

"I guess it's just my mad ninja skillz," said Ben.

"Okay, first off, you're a samurai, not a ninja. Secondly, you're not a gaming junkie, so don't spell 'skills' with a 'z'!"

"Sorry."

Joe stood tapping his foot for a few moments. "So, are you going to come down now or not?"

"I'd rather not. It's surprisingly comfortable up here."

"Have it your way," said Joe. He snapped his fingers, and the ceiling disappeared.

"Oh polt," said Ben. He fell from his spot and landed on his back near the Card Club. "Hey guys," he said, grinning stupidly. "How's it going?"

"Just hurry up and beat Joe so we can all go home!" yelled Tiffany

"Gotcha." Ben stood up and faced Joe. Joe had stepped away from Barth and was now standing in a defensive position.

"Here goes nothing," said Ben. "Capitalism Style, Ace!"

Ben's sword ignited with flame. He held it low on his right side and charged at Joe. At the last second, Joe moved to block the attack. "You're still too slow, Ben!" he yelled

There was a sonic boom and an explosion of blue flame where Joe was standing. When the smoke cleared, Ben was crouching a few yards past Joe and panting. Joe was standing in the same spot, looking distinctly singed. There was a long diagonal cut across his chest.

"Yes!" cried Ben. He stood up and faced Joe. "Ready to give up?"

"Not quite." Joe turned to face Ben. "So now I've seen your best attack. But I can do one better. Capitalism Style, Double Ace: Devil's Mirror!"

A phantom image of Joe appeared next to him. It spun around him rapidly several times, then descended through the floor. Joe held his sword like Ben had and it glowed with the power of French Toast Sticks. He charged at Ben.

"Okay," thought Ben, "I've got to block this attack. Now, the Ace attack uses last second supersonic acceleration, so all I have to do is . . . know where he's going to attack before he does. Great."

Joe got closer and closer to Ben. Right before Joe made the last move, Ben swung his sword above his head. There was a sonic boom and then a loud metallic clang.

"I did it! I blocked Joe's ultimate attack!"

"No," said Joe's voice. "You merely fell for my diversion."

Ben looked up in horror and watched the phantom image he had blocked evaporate. While that happened, Joe leapt up through the floor behind Ben and made a deep cut all the way up his back. Ben cried out and fell forward.

"And there you have the ultimate attack of the Capitalism Style," said Joe as he landed. "I think you would be hard pressed to find a better one, unless you had three arms."

Ben struggled to stand, using his sword for balance. "You . . . never . . . learned it, did you?" he asked

"Learned what? The ultimate attack? My Double Ace is far more powerful than anything sensei could have taught me. Besides, the style is based on a card game, right? Well, ace is the highest card in the deck. I guess that old fool was right when he said he already taught me the ultimate attack."

Ben laughed a little, then clutched his side in pain. "You never bothered to learn Capitalism," he said.

"The card game?" It was Joe's turn to laugh, and he did it much better than Ben did, since he was not as badly injured. "Of course not. Why would I waste my time playing cards with our master like you did when I could learn how to use a sword?"

Ben stared straight at Joe. "Because, if you had, you would know that in Capitalism, ace is not the highest card. Two is."

Joe's face darkened. "You're bluffing."

"Think what you want to think," said Ben, "But Two is the ultimate attack. You never bothered to learn it because you thought all the number attacks were useless, didn't you? Boy do you look stupid now."

Joe's face darkened further. "You're lying!" he yelled

"One way to find out. Capitalism Style, Secret Attack: Two!"

Ben moved toward Joe. He went slowly, and it looked like his injury was bothering him. As he moved past Joe, Joe leisurely moved his sword to block. The sound the swords made when they collided seemed a little louder than it should be. Ben went a few steps past Joe and then stopped. He fell to a kneeling position.

"That's it?" said Joe. "You call that an attack?"

Ben didn't stand, but still was able to say, "The Two clears all."

Joe looked down at his sword. It was shaking violently. As he watched, a crack appeared in the blade and purple light shone from it. More cracks spread rapidly across the sword. Joe tried to toss the sword away, but it would not leave his hand.

"Whoops," said Ben.

"Nooooooooo!" cried Joe

The Masamune exploded with a tremendous BANG. A cloud of French Toast Sticks flew from the destroyed sword and swarmed around Joe.

"No!" yelled Joe. "I'm your master! You obey me! Aaaaargh!"

Ben stood up. Joe's pitiful screams resounded through the room. "We've got to save him!" he said

"Um, Ben?" said Ashley. "This is Joe, remember? Your arch-enemy?"

"But don't you see?" said Ben. "It was the French Toast Sticks all along! They were what really made Joe evil. Before he had that sword, he was a good person, just like us!"

"Are you sure about this?" asked Selma. "I think he's just naturally evil."

"Yeah, she's right, Ben," said Joe. "I was evil all along."

"Oh, well you can just die then," said Ben.

Joe let out one last high-pitched wail, and then he and the cloud of French Toast Sticks vanished. There was a moment of silence, broken by Ben.

"I . . . I did it. I beat Joe."

Suddenly, the whole tower began to shake. "We've got to get out of here!" yelled Ben. "Without Joe to hold it together, this whole place is going to collapse!"

"But how are we going to get out?" asked Barth, frantically. "There aren't any doors!"

"We can just use one of these holes in the floor," said Tiffany. "You guys made enough of them fighting each other."

"Oh yeah."

The group jumped down one of the holes and started racing down the stairs. Showers of rock rained down around them as they ran. Barth and Patsy carried Ben, who was having trouble walking, and Tiffany carried Joanie, who couldn't run as fast as they could. Selma refused to carry anyone.

They got to the bottom floor and raced out the back door. They didn't stop running until they were a hundred yards from the tower. Ashley was already there.

"How did you get here so fast?" asked Barth

"Teleport," said Ashley, grinning.

"Bloody wizard," said Selma.

There was a loud crash, and they all turned around to see the last of the tower collapsing.

"Well, that's the end of that," said Selma.

The ruins of the tower began to glow dark purple. A huge swarm of French Toast Sticks rose from the rubble and moved over to where the Card Club was resting.

"Oh, bloody hell."

"You have accomplished nothing." The cloud spoke with a deep voice. "That Joe creature was a useful slave, but his purpose was already finished. Through him, I was able to gain access to the heart of this world, and now I can spread death and decay over the whole planet!"

"So ye're what's responsible for the world slowly dying!" said Patsy

"Yes. After I have destroyed this planet, I will move on to another. I am the ultimate force of darkness and destruction in the universe! Nothing can stop me!"

Selma, Tiffany, Ashley, Patsy, and Barth all turned expectantly toward Ben. "All right," he said. "I'll give it a shot, but I don't think I'll do very well. I'm pretty badly injured, and I have no idea how to fight a cloud of pure energy."

Ben started to walk toward the French Toast Sticks. Joanie held out her hand. "I think you guys better let me handle this."

Joanie walked up to the hovering cloud. "A little girl?" it asked. "Do not mock me! This tiny one stands no chance against the awesome power of French Toast Sticks."

Joanie looked up at the cloud. Her eyes glowed bright blue. "I've let you live far too long already," she said.

"What? No, it couldn't be . . ." said the cloud. It flashed, and a barrage of French Toast Sticks shot out at the group.

Joanie put out her hand and spun around. A dome of light surrounded the others, deflecting the attack. "Leave them out of this," she said. "This is between you and me. It's time to fulfill a prophecy centuries old."

Joanie held her hands above her head. A bright blue beam shot from them and struck the center of the swarm. It began to shake violently. "Im . . . impossible!" it said

"Get out of my world," said Joanie.

Another blast of spiritual energy shot from Joanie's hands and hit the cloud. It splintered into a million pieces, and then was gone. The storm clouds surrounding the basin slowly moved away, and the earth around them became slightly more green.

Joanie turned back to the others. They were all staring at her. Unlike the other times, however, they had seen Joanie's power with their own eyes, and could no longer push it out of their minds. Tiffany was the first to speak.

"I knew it! I knew she was secretly really powerful! Didn't I tell you guys?"

"So Joanie," asked Ben, "How old are you?"

"Let's see . . .," said Joanie. "I guess I'd be about nineteen hundred seventy."

"Ah-hah," said Ben. "And when you said you couldn't do any fighting stuff, you were lying, right?"

"I didn't say I couldn't do anything like that. I just said I didn't."

"Actually," said Ashley, "I remember, and you said you couldn't."

"Oh, well then I guess I lied. Whoops."

They all sat there in silence for a few minutes. "So," said Patsy, "What're we going to do now?"

"How about a nice game of cards?" suggested Barth

"Yeah!" said Ashley. "Ben, you can teach us all how to play Capitalism!"

"I don't remember how," said Ben.

"But, back there in the tower you said you learned how to play from your sensei!" said Selma. "That's how you beat Joe! You knew how to play and he didn't."

"I remember that two is the highest card, and that's only because it's also the ultimate attack of my fighting style. I don't remember how the game goes."

"Maybe my fist will jog your memory a little," said Tiffany.

"I don't want to play Capitalism," said Joanie. "I want to play Hearts."

"Joanie, we have seven people," said Patsy. "Ye can't play Hearts with seven . . . people . . ." Patsy cut himself off as he saw Joanie's eyes turn red. "Okay, then. Hearts it is!"

THE END (For now . . .)