The Card Club had finally stopped running somewhere a few miles down the road, when they realized that Joanie was no longer with them. When she finally caught up she said, "It's not fair, you guys all have longer legs than me!"

"It's okay," said Ben, "I think we're far enough away now. Besides, we're all tired, and in order to keep running we'd have to stand up, now wouldn't we?"

Joanie joined the rest of the Card Club, who were in various states of sitting or lying down on the ground. She started to fall asleep, but had a strange feeling and opened her left eye. Tiffany and Ashley were standing over her, grinning.

"What is it now, you guys?" she asked. "You're not still trying to get me to fight, are you?"

"We tried harder this time," said Tiffany. "I think you'll like this one better. Here, try it!"

Tiffany handed something to Joanie, who held it away from herself by the handle. "It's a gun."

"Yeah!" said Ashley. "It's a lot smaller than the Zanbatou, and you don't need a lot of strength to use it. It's perfect for you."

"But . . . I don't want to shoot anyone."

"Oh, come on, Joanie," said Tiffany. "Just try it."

Tiffany led Joanie a few feet away from the road. She pointed at a farm about a hundred yards away. "You see that cow over there?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"Let's see if you can shoot it."

"What? I don't want to shoot a cow! What about the farmer?"

"Well, I don't know why you'd rather shoot him than his cow . . ."

"Fine, I'll shoot the cow!" Joanie held the gun out in front of her, hands shaking. She pulled the trigger and fell backwards. "Whoops."

"That wasn't anywhere near the cow! Joanie, you're not even trying, are you?"

"Yes I am!"

Back on the side of the road, the rest of the Card Club was trying to get Ben to explain a few things. "So what's the deal with you and Joe, anyway?" asked Selma

"Oh, it's nothing."

"Um, he did just try to kill ye," said Patsy.

"Yeah, this being secretive about your past stuff is bloody annoying," said Selma. "And when I get annoyed I get stabby." She started to draw her kodachi.

"Ye know ye're goin' to tell us eventually, so ye might as well do it now."

"Fine, fine," said Ben. "Well, when I was younger, there was a man in my town who was master of the Capitalism sword-fighting technique. He wanted to take just me on as his apprentice, but I convinced him to teach Joe, too, because he was my best friend."

"So what happened?" asked Selma. "Why do you hate each other now?"

"It all happened that one day, two years ago . . ."

"Oh no," said Patsy.

"Flashback time," said Selma.

"You guys asked for it . . ."

"Why won't you teach me the ultimate attack?" yelled the arguing boy. "Tell me! I'm ready to learn it now!"

The man remained calm. "I told you, Joe, I have already shown you everything you need to know. The ultimate attack is already within your reach."

"You're lying! If you taught me everything then I should be able to beat you!"

"Wait," said Selma. "Your master had two swords, an evil one and a good one, and the town was surprised when the apprentice with the evil sword turned out to be evil?"

"Well, we weren't a town known for our intelligence. Anyway, hindsight is twenty-twenty."

"So what is this Capitalism style, anyway?" asked Ashley

"The Capitalism school of sword-fighting is based on an ancient card game of the same name. That's why the techniques are named after cards, you know, Jack, Queen, King, etc."

"What about the number cards?" asked Patsy

"Yeah, there are techniques for the numbers, like Three or Five, but they're not very good."

"And what about the double technique that Joe used?" asked Selma. "Is that the ultimate attack?"

"I don't know about Joe's double techniques. He must have developed them himself after he left. They are not truly part of the Capitalism style, only a corruption."

"Well, his corruption beat the bloody polt out of your attack," said Selma.

"It's all my fault, really," said Ben. "I never should have convinced sensei to teach Joe and I together. Now there are two supposed masters of the Capitalism style running around. I'm sure he never intended that. And especially not that one of them would be evil."

"But he had a frickin' evil sword!"

Tiffany and Joanie came back to the side of the road. "Well, I give up," said Tiffany. "Joanie's pretty hopeless with this gun. She shot all six bullets and couldn't hit one stupid cow. I guess we'll have to keep looking for a weapon for her."

"Or you could just give up," said Joanie, but Tiffany wasn't listening.

Tiffany turned to Ben. "So what now, Ben? Are we going to go after Joe?"

"I don't know," said Ben. "You all saw the awesome power of the french toast sticks that Joe wields. I think we should be more cautious before rushing into that again. Let's just wait for Joe to come after us."

The Card Club sat on the ground for a whole ten minutes.

"This is bloody boring," said Selma.

"Yeah, this sucks," said Ben. "Let's just go."

The Card Club moved off down the road to face Joe and his mighty, well, fearsome, um, skilled, no, numerous PM's.

"So, do we have a plan?" asked Ashley

"Well, yes, if you count 'Just Walk Along the Road Until Something Happens' as a plan," said Ben.

"How are we going to beat Joe, then?"

"Joe's very impatient. He's not going to just wait for us to come to him. I'm sure he'll send out his PM's to attack us, like he did in that town two nights ago."

"Yeah, that worked real well," said Tiffany.

"So, we're just going to walk along this road until we see something suspicious then?" asked Patsy

"Pretty much," said Ben.

"Well, I see a man standin' all alone on that hill over there. It looks as though he be holdin' something large and shiny."

The Card Club walked over to the hill nearby. The man standing on top of it was not tall, and he had bright red hair like Patsy's. He was wearing a kilt and holding a very large metal instrument. Patsy and Ashley recognized him as the bagpiper from the alley.

"Ah, 'tis good to see ye," said the man. "I had been thinkin' that if ye didn't come hither soon, I would have to leave this hill. Allow me to introduce meself. I am Pat, the Mad Bagpiper. And a Scotsman."

Patsy glared at him in rage. "You Scottish bastard! You've stolen me name! I'm Pat!"

"No, you're Patsy," corrected Tiffany.

"Polt. Bloody Scotsman," muttered Patsy.

"Drunken Irish prick," said Pat.

While Selma and Tiffany struggled to restrain Patsy, Ben noticed a small error in the man's logic. "If you're the Mad Bagpiper, then why are you holding a tuba?"

"Ah, well, me bagpipes are temporarily . . . out of commission, so I've decided to switch to me tuba."

Ashley shook her head. "Fighting with instruments is just stupid. Let's just get him!"

The Card Club charged up the hill toward Pat. Pat shook his head, put his mouth to his instrument, and blew. There was a huge, deep noise that hit everyone like a hammer. They all fell back down the hill.

Ashley got up first. She held out her staff and shot a lightning bolt out at Pat. It hit the tuba and bounced straight back at her. She ducked to avoid getting hit.

"I learned me lesson fightin' ye the last time," said Pat. "Me instrument has magic-reflective plating to keep ye from wreckin' it like ye did before."

"Hit him from above!" cried Ben.

Ben, Selma, and Tiffany all leapt into the air. Pat sighed, tilted back, and blew. The three aerial Card Club members were knocked back again.

"So what happens now, ye bleedin' Scottish son of a pig farmer?" asked Patsy. "Ye've stopped us from getting to ye, but ye also can't do us much damage either."

"Oh, I wouldn't say that. Ye see, this tuba resonates at a very low frequency. It makes the bones vibrate. A few more blasts from this and yer bones'll all be dust."

"Oh, I see," said Patsy. "Ye know, all this fightin' between us is pretty silly. How about you and me sit down for a nice long drink?"

Pat considered this. He wasn't all that interested in stopping fighting. Then again, he knew that with an Irishman, drinking wasn't usually how you stopped fighting. Besides, he was thirsty.

"All right, laddie. You and me'll have a wee little drinking contest."

"Um, this sounds like it's going to be expensive," said Ben.

"Don't worry," said Patsy. "I've got a few spare bottles of me own here."

Patsy and Pat sat down across from each other on the hill. Patsy pulled out two bottles of his finest Irish whiskey, and they began to drink. The Card Club was amazed at their fortitude. It seemed that Patsy had been carrying around enough booze to bring down an army regiment, but they just kept drinking. This was not to say that they showed no ill effects. Their speech slurred, their eyes glazed over, and they began to sway back and forth. At one point, they forgot their own names.

Patsy and Pat had been carrying on a conversation the entire time. Eventually, this conversation descended into very dangerous subjects, such as certain people's mother's, certain people's sisters, and for some reason, Finland. Patsy stood up and ran at Pat, trying to hit him. Pat got out of the way, swaying at just the right time. Patsy fell head first into Pat's tuba, making a sickening screeching/crunching noise.

"Yes!" said Ben. "That must have been Patsy's plan all along!"

"Um, sure," said Patsy, from inside the ruined tuba. "Yes, that was me plan."

"Curse ye!" yelled Pat, standing up. This took much more coordination than he currently had, so he sat down again. "Ye've broken me tuba!" Then Pat started to laugh, rolling all around the hill.

"Wow, he's really wasted," said Tiffany.

"Oh, I'm not drunk," said Pat. "I'm just laughing because you think this is all over." Pat suddenly stood up, looking quite sober. He pulled his emergency back-up bagpipes from behind his back (every respectable Scotsman carries an emergency back-up bagpipes at all times). He took a deep breath and started to play, "Scotland the Brave."

The Card Club stood there, looking confused, except for Patsy, who was still stuck in the tuba. Hearing the national anthem of his hated enemy drove him into a frantic rage, and his legs flailed in an effort to escape. "Well, that's great," said Joanie, "But how is this song supposed to beat us?"

The song grew suddenly louder, and thirty huge Scottish warriors walked slowly up Pat's side of the hill. They were all armed with giant two-handed swords and kilts.

"Oh, I guess that works."

Pat slowly backed away as the Scotsmen charged. The Card Club drew their weapons and ran out to meet them, except Joanie, who sat down and started picking split ends out of her hair. One huge warrior got hit in the neck with a ninja star and went down. Two others had their swords split in half and the began to bleed violently from various new holes on their body. One suddenly had his shins crushed. Another Scotsman fell into a gaping hole which suddenly appeared in front of him and then filled in just as suddenly. But there were still more than twenty of them.

Giant swords swung in huge arcs through the air, crashing down into the ground. Selma had to leap sideways suddenly to grab Ashley out of the way of a falling blade. Tiffany reached out and grabbed a sword a foot away from her head, cutting herself badly. Ben found himself surrounded by four of the beast-like fighters. There was a huge CLANG as all four swords connected where he was standing, but by then he was twenty feet above their heads.

Pat observed the scene and laughed. "No one can beat Scottish warriors. We are the finest fighters in all the world!"

"Well, I suppose ye be the best fighters on yer own isle," said a voice behind him, "But there be another one nearby that I think can best ye. Erin Go Bragh!" (Ireland Forever!)

Patsy leapt up from behind Pat and brought his big Irish beating stick down on his head. There was a sickening crunch.

"Now, without their leader, those cowardly Scotsmen will throw down their swords," said Patsy. He looked down the hill and saw the huge warriors still fighting away. "Polt the polting polters!" Patsy took a big drink from his bottle and joined the fray, stick spinning over his head. "For the Rocky Isle!"

Thanks to Patsy's drunken rage the Card Club was able to finish off the rest of the bekilted swordsmen. Then they walked over to Pat, who was still alive despite having his skull crushed in.

"Ye may have beaten me," he gasped, "But there are four more PM's after me. And Joe, who beat ye horribly the last time ye fought him." He turned slowly to look at Patsy. "And Scotland will triumph over Ireland one day!"

After beating Pat, the group tried to decide which direction Joe would be in. This was a bit difficult, since they had no information at all to base their decision on. Still, they believed very strongly in whichever direction they had randomly decided on, meaning that very little forward progress was made.

"No, we have to go this way!" said Ashley

"We're not going that bloody way, we have to go the other way!" said Selma

"You know, I am the leader," said Ben, "And I know the most about Joe, so it only makes sense that we go my way."

"Who made you the leader?" asked Tiffany, kicking out at his shin. "You know I'm just going to keep kicking everyone until we go my way."

"Well, I don't really care which way we go," said Joanie.

"Flaaarghlargle," said Patsy, who was a little tipsy.

"I think you guys should go this way," said an unfamiliar voice.

The Card Club slowly turned to see the newcomer. He was a huge man with excessive muscles. He was shirtless, because obviously a guy that strong is unable to wear a shirt for some reason. He was grinning stupidly.

"He must be one of the PM's," said Ashley.

"Why?" asked Selma

"Because everyone else on this road just avoids us and gives us funny looks."

"Well, has anyone here fought him before?" asked Ben

There was silence.

"Like, Tiffany maybe? Tiffany!"

"What?" said Tiffany. "Oh yeah, I fought him. He was kinda dumb."

"I'm not dumb!" yelled the strongman. "I'm Doug. I'm one of the PM's. I'm gonna crush you all!"

Doug brought his huge fist down on the ground. The blast knocked a huge cloud of dust into the air, making it impossible to see. Doug grinned. The dust cleared, and Tiffany was still standing there.

"You suck!" she said. "Afraid to fight us all at once?"

"I like one-on-one fights. Fighting groups confuses me."

"Actually, I'm still here." Ben dropped down from above.

"Ben, get out of here!"

"Why?"

"I want to fight him alone."

"Oh, but I haven't had a chance to fight anyone in a while."

Tiffany aimed a powerful kick at Ben's shin that he barely dodged. "Fine! I'm going, I'm going."

"Well," said Tiffany, turning her head back toward Doug, "Now we can get back to . . ." Tiffany was cut off as Doug's fist slammed into her jaw. She fell to the ground ten feet to her left.

"You cheater! You can't just sneak up on me like that!"

Doug looked confused. "I can't?"

"No. We have to bow respectfully to each other first. Like this." Tiffany bent her head down.

"Like this?" Doug imitated Tiffany.

"Yes. Now we can fight," said Tiffany. She brought her foot up hard, right into Doug's nose.

"Not fair!"

"Perfectly fair. We bowed, didn't we?"

The ethics of civilized combat was something that had never been mentioned to Doug before. Tiffany could almost hear his brain thinking.

"So, if we bow, everything's okay, but if we don't bow, I'm not allowed to sneak up on you?"

"Just, just forget it. Let's fight."

Tiffany and Doug ran at each other. Doug reached out with his huge arms, trying to grab Tiffany. She ducked under his reach, and brought her fist hard into his stomach. He shrugged like it was nothing and brought his arms back toward himself, pinning Tiffany against his chest.

"Ha ha, I've got you now! You can't fight when I've got your arms pinned like this. Now I'm just going to squeeze."

Tiffany was about to deliver a witty come back, but Doug knocked all of the air out of her lungs. She struggled to breath as his monstrous arms inched closer to his body.

"Are you sure you don't want me to help?" asked Ben, who had returned suddenly.

"No . . . doing . . . just . . . fine. Get . . . lost." Tiffany swung out her foot in a desperate attempt to hit Ben, and managed to unbalance Doug so that he toppled and fell over. She jumped away just before she would have been crushed. Doug picked himself up out of the Doug-shaped hole that now existed in the road.

"Well, it looks like getting in close may not be the best strategy," said Tiffany, "So I guess I'll just use this instead!" Tiffany struck the ground, and a wave of earth heaved up and surged toward Doug. It hit him dead on and knocked him down.

"So, you want to fight from far away, huh?" asked Doug, getting back up. "I can do that." Doug picked up a large tree out of the ground. He swung it at Tiffany, who jumped back. Doug continued to spin the tree around him in a huge circle.

"You can't get near me!" yelled Doug. "This tree will hit you in any direction. Ha ha ha!"

"You know," said Tiffany, from ten feet above his head, "Up is a direction too."

She fell toward Doug, fist-first. There was the sound of an explosion, and a huge wave of dust shot out in all directions (up included).

Ben walked back to the rest of the group. "How is she doing?" asked Selma

"She seemed to be doing okay. She wouldn't let me help her. Oh, look out."

Ben turned around and swung his sword, slicing in half the huge tree that flew toward them. The force of the swing knocked the two halves to either side of the group.

"I think she's done now."

The rest of the group walked back to the road, most of which was just a crater now. Doug lay panting at the bottom.

"Where's Tiffany?" asked Patsy

"Right here. Gotcha!" Tiffany jumped up from the ground and hit Patsy in the shin.

"Ah, me shin!" yelled Patsy, jumping up and down.

Tiffany walked over to Doug. "I . . . lost," he said. "I . . . never . . . lose."

"Well, there's a first time for everything," said Tiffany. "Actually, I guess this is the second time. You lose a lot."

"Joe . . . will . . . beat . . . you."

"Tiffany?" said Ben

"Yeah?"

"Give him CPR."

Tiffany brought her fist down hard on Doug's chest. The first impact only made him cough up a little blood, but the second brought forth a huge spray.

After beating Doug, the Card Club developed a new plan for finding Joe. They saw which way Doug's head was pointing and followed that path. This plan worked for about half an hour until they ran into a river.

"Oh, yeah, great plan, Ashley," said Ben. "'Let's just go where his head is pointing. That'll lead us to Joe.' Yeah, right."

"Um, Ben," said Selma, "Isn't that Joe standing there on the other side of the river?"

Ben looked up. He turned back to Ashley. "You got lucky this time." Then he called out across the river. "What's the matter, Joe? Where are you precious PM's?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure you've killed two of them," said Joe. He leapt into the air and landed on their side of the river. "If you haven't then you're a lot weaker than I thought you were."

"Oh, don't worry," said Tiffany. "They're pretty well dead."

"Aye, we took care of them," said Patsy.

"Yes, I had figured out a while ago that the PM's were going to be almost completely useless fighting you, so I've decided to bring in a ringer."

"A what?" asked Ben

"I've hired a mercenary to keep you busy for a while. Who knows, maybe he'll even defeat you. He's on a bit of a higher level than the people you've fought so far."

"Wait, you're not going to fight me?" asked Ben

"Oh, I'll fight you in good time, Ben. I just don't feel like it right now. This is all part of my secret strategy."

Joe started to walk off. "I can't let you get away like this!" cried Ben, and he ran off after him. He was blocked, however, as a man jumped out of the river right in front of him. The man stood up. He was taller than anyone in Card Club, around the same height as Joe. He had brown hair. In his hand he held a long wooden shaft, with a fiendishly sharp blade on either end.

"Hello," he said. "Joe doesn't really want to be bothered right now, so I can't let you pass. I, on the other hand, would welcome being bothered, so why don't you just try?" The man smiled at Ben.

"Do I get to know the name of my enemy?" Ben asked

"I am called Barth."

"Barth, eh?" asked Tiffany. "Well, you don't scare me. Let's get him!"

The Card Club started to charge, but Ben held out his hand. "I will fight him alone."

"Like hell you will!" said Selma. "I'm bloody bored. I haven't gotten to fight anyone since we ran from Joe." She drew her kodachi and ran at Barth.

Barth smiled and spun his weapon in front of him. It created a powerful force of wind, which made Selma stumble. One of the blades shot out, hitting Selma's knife hand, causing her weapon to fall. The other blade spun around, but Selma's hand flashed like lightning and drew her second kodachi with such force that it knocked Barth back a step, giving her time to pick up her first knife.

Now Barth charged at Selma. She blocked his first strike, but it pushed her back. Each successive strike knocked her further back, until she was right next to the river. She slipped a little on the edge, and watched in horror as the blade came down at her head.

Ben materialized between Barth and Selma. He countered the blow and then swung his sword across the wooden shaft, splitting the weapon in two and sending the top half flying back. Ben turned to look at Selma while Barth went to pick up the other half of his weapon. His eyes were blazing.

"I will fight him alone."

Barth returned, holding one blade in each hand. He stabbed at where Ben was standing with his left hand, but Ben dodged and took a swing at Barth's head. The right hand came up to block while the left swept across, narrowly missing Ben's stomach. Ben stabbed forward, but Barth jumped over his head and managed to cut his shoulder.

Ben stepped back. "You're pretty good. I guess Joe isn't always hopeless at finding subordinates." He took a deep breath and held his sword out to his side. "Let's see how you deal with this! Capitalism Style, Jack!"

Ben spun faster than the eye could follow, with his sword making a silver ring around his rapidly-moving body. The sword-tornado charged at Barth. Barth held both his blades high above his head. This sword ring moved higher to follow. Then, Barth jammed one blade into the ring and swung the other down where Ben's leg would have been. The first blade was sent flying into the river, but the second made contact. The blur stopped, turned back into Ben, and stumbled.

Ben pulled the blade out of his right leg and tossed it back at Barth. "I'm impressed. It's been a while since I've had to use this." Ben pointed his sword straight at the sky, and laid his left arm along side of it. His gaze seemed to be focused on the sun. "Capitalism Style, Queen!" Ben's knees bent, and he shot a hundred feet into the air.

Barth stared at the sky for a few seconds, trying to see his enemy. Suddenly, he jumped to the side. Ben came crashing down where he had been standing, hitting with tremendous force and then leaping skyward again. Barth looked upward again, trying to shield his eyes from the sun. He rolled to his left as Ben slammed down again. He dodged quickly as Ben fell a third time. Barth threw his blade at the landing spot, but Ben was already gone.

"You can't keep dodging forever!" cried a voice in the sky

"You can't keep jumping forever!" Barth replied

"Try me!"

Barth looked up and saw the flash of Ben's sword directly above him. He jumped back, and saw Ben's sword stick in the ground right where he had been standing. Ben himself came crashing down right where he was standing now, and then everything went black.

Barth felt cold water on his face and woke up. The Card Club were standing above him, watching. "You're damn lucky," said Ben. "If I had been holding my sword when I hit you, you'd be in two pieces now. And neither of them would be particularly pretty."

"I'm not dead?" asked Barth

"No, not quite," Ben answered. "You're a strong guy. You'll live."

Barth laughed. "I'm surprised you didn't kill me. I am working for your sworn enemy, after all. You guys killed the first two of his flunkies you fought."

"That was a little different. You're a mercenary. You're only fighting for Joe because he paid you. How much did he pay you, by the way?"

Barth laughed again, wincing. "Not much. I was just desperate for an excuse to fight. Kind of sad, really."

"You know," said Ashley, "If you joined us there'd be plenty of fighting. People always seem to be attacking us for some reason or another."

"He can't join Card Club!" said Joanie. "He tried to kill us!"

"How is that different from how any of the rest of us joined?" asked Selma

"Well, it's not how I joined."

"Well, Barth?" asked Ben. "The offer stands."

Barth stood up. "Join Card Club? I don't think so. Besides, I'd be pretty useless to you without my weapon. No, I think I'll just stick to being a mercenary. The money's better there than in Card Clubbing, anyway."

"What about Joe?" asked Patsy. "Doesn't he still expect ye to kill us?"

"I don't think he expected me to kill you in the first place. It's all part of his big strategy, which I don't think even he understands. I think I'll be safe letting you guys live. See you around."

Barth walked off down the river. "Do you think we'll see him again, Ben?" asked Selma

"Oh, I'm sure he'll be back. Characters like him have a way of turning up when you least expect it."

"Hi guys!" said Karl, running up to them. "I'm back!"

TO BE CONTINUED